Regarding Multiple Miscarriages

This letter was written in response to a dear friend's email. She wrote:

 "My question is did God give you a more directed purpose in this life through all your pain of the multiple miscarriages? Not to be offensive or say you did not have one previously, but did He give you a more specific, inspired, focused? If so, could you share how He did and what it might be?"

Dear friend,

I understand your question completely and it is in no way offensive. I believe this is a very prominent thought when we lose a baby...what is the bigger picture in all this pain? Surely it is for God's greater purposes, for His glory and our good...but what exactly is He saying? These were most certainly questions on my mind. 

I feel like in other trials throughout my life I could give you exciting testimonies about everything God showed me and taught me and accomplished through the pain. Sadly though, this is the one area that still rests at Jesus' feet...the purpose in it all. It has not yet been revealed to me a clearer perspective, ministry opportunity or vision as a result of the losses. 

This actually became a trial all in itself. 

I felt like I could survive it if it had all been allowed for a greater purpose. (To clarify, I know that everything God allows is for a greater purpose, I just can't see what it is yet in the losses of our unborn babies.) I told God that I would gladly join Him in any ministry He had for me, possibly encouraging others who are going through similar trials, but He only said this to me: "Are you willing, Joy, to have gone through the losses for just your own refining?" I replied, "Do I need such severe refining?!" And my heart answered, "Yes, I do."

I then had a choice. I could accept God's refining in my life, for my benefit alone, because I needed such refining or I could harbor bitterness toward Him for allowing so much pain without even a hope of it being used for a greater purpose. I chose to bow under God's mighty hand and allow the pain to be just for me, just for my good and His glory.

I will say that God did teach me some important things as part of the necessary refining. In particular, prior to all the losses a surprising amount of my worth and value was connected to the number of children I had here on this earth. Without even realizing it, I saw myself as "more blessed" because of a growing number of children and "less blessed" when I compared my number to others with a larger number. I have since become very sensitive to this type of pride. I underlined in my Bible Esther 5:11. It's a reference to the evil Haman who plotted to kill Esther and her people. "He boasted to them (his wife and friends) about his great wealth and his many children." I had been like Haman. Not necessarily in my words but certainly in my heart. I believed I was perceived by others to be a greater woman, a more capable home manager, and a diligent, organized mother simply because of the number of children God had given me. I'm afraid the camp of those allowing God to choose their family size is overrun with others dealing with this same ugly pride. I continue to ask God to prick my heart when I'm falling prey to this sin of pride as it tries to overtake me in a variety of ways.

Although unrelated to your question, I must add that as I'm watching this God-led family size initiative play out, it is becoming disastrous for those who were motivated not by obedience to God but rather by pride. Yes, they've most certainly reproduced, but what they had hoped would provide buoyancy for their self worth and value is capsizing. 

In conclusion, I wish I could tell you about amazing ministry opportunities and greater purpose and vision for my life as a result of having endured multiple miscarriages. However, at this point in my life's journey I simply and contentedly continue to leave this at Jesus' feet. It has surely set my sights on eternity where all things will be made clear and where I have a nursery of babies awaiting my arrival.